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Child Discipline Transformed

What if you could get more cooperation by avoiding traditional child discipline methods?

What if you could transform angry conflicts with your children
into shared dilemmas?

What if your children wanted to contribute?

If these possibilities sound appealing to you, then you’ve come to the right page!  Although your results will depend on your family’s particular circumstances, it’s my fondest wish that the tools I offer here help your family, the way they have helped mine.

People often seem to think of child discipline in terms of demands, enforced by pressure, rewards (including praise), and punishments (including withdrawing attention, judging, and scolding). See Wikipedia’s brief overview of “child discipline.”

But did you know that the word “discipline” comes from the Latin word disciplina, and that this word and its roots mean “teaching” and “learning”?

Now, true, sometimes people also think demands, pressure, rewards and punishments are needed when someone is learning something.

But, as it turns out, evidence shows that children are actually more likely to cooperate, and learn what you want them to learn, without pressure, rewards or punishments, than with those approaches.  See Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes, by Alfie Kohn.

That is, children are actually more likely to learn and cooperate in the context of a parent-child relationship based on choice, mutual respect, compassion, and attachment, than in the context of one that uses traditional child discipline methods. See Punished by Rewards (cited above)and Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld, PhD; and Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD; .

But how do we avoid traditional child discipline methods, and instead build the kind of parent-child relationship that’s more likely to lead to the cooperation we crave?

There is a way!  Although your family’s results will depend on your family’s specific situation, there are tools out there to consider and try. And this page will introduce the two main tools I’m aware of, both of which have helped our family so very much.

On the specific topic of cultivating more attachment with your child, I will soon have web pages.  To be notified when I’ve added these pages, you can scroll down and sign-up for my free ezine TLC for Your Family.

In the meantime, I recommend two books on cultivating attachment:

  • To Grow More Attachment with Younger Children, I recommend:The Attachment Parenting Book, by William Sears, MD, and Martha Sears, RN
  • To Grow More Attachment with Younger and Older Children, I recommend: Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld, PhD

The other tool that might help you transform your approach to child discipline is “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC).  NVC is a communication method created by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD.

You can read about how NVC can help your family communication by visiting my Family Communication page.

And, over time I will be adding web pages on how to use NVC in specificchild discipline situations.  So far I have this page:

  • Kids Fighting: This web page aims to help you help you bring peace to you and your children’s lives.  You may want to check it out, whether you struggle with siblings arguing with one another, kids hitting each other, or kids fighting with you, and whether this takes place at home or at school.

And, here’s a list of the specific child discipline topics I plan to cover in my upcoming web pages.  To be notified as these web pages are added, I invite you to scroll down and sign-up for my free ezine TLC for Your Family.  Here’s the list:

  • Toddler Cooperation: This web page will aim to help you nurture a more cooperative relationship with your toddler.
  • Handling a Temper Tantrum: This web page will aim to help you not only cope with temper tantrums, but use them as an opportunityfor nurturing greater connection and trust with your child.
  • How Not to Spank: This web page will aim to help you get your needs met without using physical violence.
  • A Time Out Alternative: This web page will aim to help you get your needs met, while nurturing your connection with your child, rather than distancing your children with time outs.
  • “Getting” Kids to Do Chores: This web page will aim to help you increase the odds of getting your needs met at chore time.
  • Bedtime Battles: This web page will aim to help you not onlyeliminate battles at bedtime, but have bedtime be an opportunity for joyful cooperation and attachment.
  • Help with “I Hate School” or “I Hate Homework”: This web page will aim to help you handle these kinds of comments with greater peace of mind, and perhaps see the comments disappear altogether.
  • Child Behavior Problems: This web page will aim to help you get beyond your child’s “behavior problems.”
  • The “Problem” Child: This web page will aim to help you find new hope, closeness, and cooperation with your “problem child.”
  • The “Spirited” or “Difficult” Child: This web page will aim to help you not only handle your “spirited” or “difficult” child, but cultivate a new way of seeing and helping him or her, and yourself in the process.
  • Understanding your Baby’s Needs: This web page will aim to help you understand whatever your baby might be saying with her cries, and respond with compassion and confidence to meet both your baby’s needs and your own.

To hear about all my web pages, as I add them, and hopefully find inspiration along the way, I invite you to visit and subscribe to my blog, or to whatever portions of my site you’d like to subscribe to, with the RSS feed subscription buttons at the bottom of this page.

Whatever you decide though, and wherever life takes you next, I wish you and yours, “Happy Family-ing!”